I’m rewriting what I have currently, about a 20%, of a novel I have been working on intermittently over the past 18months in time for NaNoWiMo. Let me know what you think.
“Time is a peculiar thing; we somehow manage to both ignore and idolise it all at once. But perhaps that is what makes us human?” Kimberley said, “Maybe it’s crazy to chase after useless dreams only to realise that we’ve been ignoring something else in the process. But isn’t that all life is? A series of disappointments resulting from our own expectations?”
She continued, drumming her French manicure on the polished oak desk. “I woke up this morning with the strangest feeling. I felt lost. But more than that, I was afraid and mourning for something I haven’t yet gained.” She sighed. “And It’s funny isn’t it? The rate at which our terribly boring lives seem to progress, and what’s even more obscure, is our perception of it. It seems the older we get the faster it all becomes a memory.”
She shifted forward and crossed her knees, frowning, “But how do we ensure it’s not all a waste? I mean, how the hell do we make sure we achieve everything we’re supposed to in such a finite amount of time?”
“I think the first quarter ought to be devoted to simply figuring out what it is we’re supposed to be doing, for thinking, pondering and observing the world. And mostly? For finding out place in it I suppose, or at the very least chancing upon the one thing we happen to be unfathomably passionate about. The deep unnerving stuff we couldn’t imagine living our lives without. I think that’s the real treasure. Do you understand?”
Jane didn’t, and highly doubted she would ever understand the inner workings of this poor girls’ mind. However, she wasn’t the type to express such uncertainty, and especially not now. It was of the utmost importance that Kimberly be understood.
“I ah,” she stuttered, “I think you definitely have a point.”
“Yes,” Jane continued, though firmer this time. “That’s a lot for me to take in Kim, to say the least. I need to process it all to fully understand what you’re saying. But let me say one thing.” She shook her head slightly and smiled, “You really do have a way with words. Don’t ever give up on questioning the world around you. Curiosity is vital to leading a satisfactory life, and no one ever lived a life of satisfaction in ignorance.”
Kimberly smiled, then, after pausing to take in her words, spoke once more, “Thank you, and I agree. I couldn’t possibly stand being oblivious. I think I would go insane.”
“Yes,” Jane laughed, “I believe you might.”
“I think perhaps my biggest problem,” Kimberly continued, “And my ultimate fear, is that I am constantly haunted by the possibility of someday waking up and realising I have forgotten to use my brain. That I have somehow neglected to do something with my life.”
“That would be unfortunate indeed.”
Kimberly knew the women was paid to listen to her, to try and help somehow. What she wasn’t quite sure of however, was whether she genuinely meant what she was saying.
At what point, do we give up on trying to convince other of our somewhat twisted view of the world? She thought. Where do we draw the line between a friend, and a mere acquaintance – and how the hell do we decipher the true intentions of others?”
Thousands of questions were begging to erupt in her mind. It was odd, she knew that. She would certainly never be deemed ‘normal’, but these obscurities that defined her nowadays had become, somehow, comforting. Eventually one becomes accustomed to one’s own flaws, and what others may deem unacceptable or unfortunate, Kimberly simply knew to be home.
But perhaps it’s simply easier to give up on the false ideal of pleasing everyone. She thought. “The only person show should truly matter is oneself.” She said slowly, to convince herself that the words held a worthwhile moral.
“Exactly,” Jane said. “I couldn’t have said it better myself. So, tell me Kim, what’s next for you? Where do you see yourself this year?”
Kimberly let the intricate web of possible answers dace around her mind for a moment or so. She smiled softly, “I couldn’t tell you. Or at the very least, If I were too, I’d be lying. To try and predict the future would surely dampen my expectations of it. And since I am not one to desire sabotaging my own life, I must refrain from thinking about the future. Do you understand?”
Once again, Jane didn’t, but luckily the hour was almost over. “I suppose I do.” She sighed. It was absurd really, that she, the so-called doctor was learning more from her patient than the advice she seemed to give in return.
“Can you do something for me?” Jane asked, “Before our next session I want you to think of three memory’s where you were absolutely happy and stress-free.”
“All right, I can’t promise anything though.”
“Just tell me you will try?” Jane said, “It doesn’t need to be remarkable ‘per se,’ it’s merely an exercise to help you.”
“I can’t just rewire my brain,” she said firmly, sighing. “I am who I am, and I quite often feel as though my time would better spent discovering that and learning how to use my strengths – as opposed to what we do here.”
“And what is it we’re doing exactly Kim?”
“Well, you know.”
“Do I?” Jane said, her neatly kept brows rising.
“Yes,” Kimberly said, tapping her fingers once more. “We, under the false guise of being labelled a ‘team’ are trying to eradicate my condition. You of course are being paid to act as my friend, and I am obliged to be sitting here pretending that I am in dire need of help and will do anything to change. Neither of us are pulling the strings, but of course we both know that, don’t we?”
Jane was silent as Kimberly continued, leaning forward slightly to emphasize her next point. “But nevertheless we are stuck, aren’t we? Because you need to fulfil the duties of your profession in order to feel as though you’re actually contributing to the world, and not to mention rightfully earning your weekly pay check. And me? Well mine is earned by staying ‘sane’ as my father likes to call it. And I’m really not one to disappoint.”
“I suppose then,” she continued, “We have discovered the real driver here. Money. Cash. And the dirtiest word of all, greed.”
With locked eyes and an aura of haunting silence, they sat still for several moments. Jane couldn’t argue with the girl, she was, if you really thought about it, absolutely right. She’d had many odd patients over the years, but this girl was different.
To be continued…
© Copyright Celsie Richardson 2016